I know that the majority of my posts are lighthearted and about my kids. This morning, as I sit in front of my laptop, I can't help but write this post -- because I don't think I've had a chance to properly grieve over the passing of my Grandma.
One week ago today. I can't believe it's been one week.
It didn't hit me until last night while I was on the phone with my dad...talking about what Grandma's wishes were, about the letters she wrote to my parents and about my mom being in CA without me or my brother to see my Grandma for the last time. The whole thing is just so sad and I'm having a tough time swallowing it all.
I've always had this intense fear of death (thus, my fear that Grandma isn't with us anymore) and my thoughts of caution are always morbid. Let me explain...
I can remember being quite young and fearing the loss of my parents. Not that they did anything crazy -- but I was always scared that something would happen to them and I never wanted to be in a position to see them "un-alive." Now that I have my own children, my fears have turned into protecting THEM and praying that nothing bad ever happens to them...leading in the my morbid thoughts of caution.
I'm going through those thoughts now. While planning this trip to Key West with Ryan, I continue to think about what I'm going to write in my will. What will happen to the kids if something happens to us? What do I want for my children? Who will take care of them? I am realizing that I need to spell everything out -- especially after my Grandma's death -- and hope that those left to care for my kids will honor my wishes. It's just so scary. And it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Death is freakin' scary.
So, I'm sad. I feel sick in my stomach. I can picture my Grandma at her healthiest time in her life and I miss that. I miss seeing her. I know she knew I loved her -- so I have zero regrets. I am just sad.
1 comment:
I'm sorry sweetie. I wish I could help, but I think time will do that and your memories will always be the best way to honor your grandma.
Regarding fear of death, I struggle with it too. Big time, especially now that I have children. If I start to think about it too much, I break down. But again, I think it's natural, as is a fear of the unknown and things like death.
You'll be in my thoughts. Miss you.
~G.
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