Am I doing this whole 'mom' think all wrong?

I could cry while I write this post because I feel like I have become Riley's worst nightmare. Let me rephrase. I have become my OWN worst nightmare, as far as parenting my daughter goes.

I want to start off by saying that Riley was the CENTER of our world for 4.5 years. She was an only child for so long (and almost stayed that way) and then when Ronan came along, it all changed for her. I worried when I was pregnant about how I could love another person like I love Riley and asked every mother of more than one kid, if it was humanly possible to share the love like that. Reassured by every mom that love doesn't divide -- that it grows -- I became satisfied with the fact that Riley would never feel like we didn't love her any less when Ronan came along.

Now that Ronan is here, I sometimes feel like I don't give her enough of me that I should. I spend a lot of time with Ronan and it's warranted. He's 2 years old and depends on me more than she does...and to be fair to him, I devoted 4.5 years to just Riley, so I feel like I owe it to him to give him attention when it's just us during the day...but when the two of them get together and the fights begin...well, I don't know.

I know I spend a lot of time reprimanding Riley. In my mind, I feel like she should know better than to flip out on him and while I put Ronan in "time-outs" for hitting his sister, when she retaliates, I am just saddened by it. I know, she's 6. Kids do that. I get it. I am not saying she needs to be perfect or understand 100% of the time. I am just at a loss as to what to do as a mom for her. I don't want to yell at her all the time and lately, I know that's what I do.

So, now we are at a point where I think she just absolutely hates me. Okay, maybe hate is a strong word...but I know she doesn't like me as much as she used to. I know she LOVES me. But, I always envisioned that I would have this best-friend/mother-daughter thing going and it's not there. She doesn't confide in me at all. She tells her secrets to her friends' moms. Granted, it might be the cooler thing to do, but I can't say I'm not devastated by it.

When Ryan "confronted" her about a secret she had told my friend (and he did it in a way she'd never know we were told by my friend), she denied it all and reassured us that she wouldn't keep secrets from me. She never did divulge the secret to me. And then there is part of me that thinks that she even forgets what secrets she tells. She has extreme ditzy moments...and we can't fault her for it...it's part of being a kid, I guess!

I don't even know what I'm writing about now, other than the fact that I have realized that I am becoming my dad...the man that terrified me growing up with how strict he was...and it drives to me to tears. I don't have a close relationship to my mom. I talk to her, but not about anything that matters to me...and now I'm horrified that I have created that same dynamic with my own daughter.

Yesterday, we went to Target (what day would be complete without a trip there...) and bought a movie for the kids. In the process, Riley talked us (or Ryan) into buying her a toy and it came with stipulations...that she had to clean her room and play nice with Ronan in the process, before the toy could even be opened. She hurried into her room with Ronan and cleaned feverishly. Everything was picked up, the room even smelled good (she sprayed something pineapple-scented) and while putting things away, decided to stand on her art desk and jump onto the princess couch. Well, Ronan is an imitator. He does what he sees. So, he decided to get on and jump off, too. He didn't wait her her to get off, so they collided and no doubt, it hurt her. BUT, he didn't do it on purpose. She was so angry and so pissed, she went to "choke" him and knowing I was in the room, opted to pinch his arm really hard. I was so furious with her, I took the toy and told her it was not going to be opened.

She flipped out...Riley style. Slamming her feet, pouting, doing the "hmph" sound and furrowing her brow. It irritated me to no end. So, I told her to chill out and to talk to us when she was done freaking. An hour later, Ryan checks on her and sees this on her door:



Nice, huh? We laughed about it in the living room, where she couldn't hear...but I can't say that I wasn't upset about it. She came out and apologized, but not because she felt bad, but because she wanted the toy. She would never ever treat any of her friends' moms that way, but is fine to do that to me, and it's hurtful. She only yells at Ryan and I...and it scares me that she's only 6. Imagine what I have to look forward to when she's 13.

I'm venting, I know. I'm just nervous. I don't know what to do with her. I don't know how to react to anything and honestly, it makes me sad. I see so much of my dad in me now and that scares me. I resented my dad for years and years and although we have a good relationship now, it didn't come without years of heartache. I can remember wanting to run away almost every night while in high school...but not doing it because I didn't know what to do. And I know that Riley and I will more than likely have those moments, too...but I don't want them to happen now. I just feel like a bad mom. I feel like I am not giving her enough love like I should, but when we start to have awesome moments together, her fuse breaks and the moment is quickly lost. What am I supposed to do? She's a great kid and honestly, it's only a sliver of our day, but when it DOES happen, it's big and traumatizing. I just don't want to fail her and I don't know how to react or cope without damaging her for life...